three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
