tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
