I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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