I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
