a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
