If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
All the doctor said was why
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
