My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
