Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
