There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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