You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
