i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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