Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
