After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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