you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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