I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
