Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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