I am puke
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
