Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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