I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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