I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
