We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
