how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
