Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
