i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
