Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
