we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
