I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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