Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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