I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
