I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
