look no pants
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
