I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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