i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
