my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
