Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
