my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
