Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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