oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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