Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
