one two three fourrrrnication!
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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