Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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