I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
