I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
