I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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