In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
