Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
