somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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