maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
