I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
