dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
