so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
