Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
