The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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